Random

It's friday night Devon just finished screaming himself to sleep, Duane has gone out for a few hours and I am in bed watching a movie.

Devon usually sleeps for a few hours in his crib and than ends up in bed with Duane & I. I admit we coddle him. We cannot handle letting him cry himself to sleep so we just let him sleep with us but the thing is neither of us sleep much when he is in bed with us. So tonight I am let him cry it out with high hopes that this is a positive step towards getting him to sleep in his own crib for the night. Here's to hoping.

I am sticking with my weight watchers and I feel very good about myself. It's been 2 weeks and I am down over 6 pounds. I don't feel hungry as I am filling myself up with fruits & veggies and healthy meals. I forgot how easy it is to eat healthy and I know that if I can keep it up I can reach my goals.

Duane hasn't found a job yet but I am confident that everything will work out and he will find a great job very soon. We are very lucky to have such a great family who will never let us go without and will make sure that Devon has everything that he could need (and more). It's a good feeling knowing that we are loved and well looked after. Hopefully one day we will be able to pass our good fortune on! My fingers are just crossed that work picks up soon or that Duane finds a doos job before I get laid off in March! Curse this economy!

I am concentrating on thinking positivly and sending good things out there! I have a wonderful hubby and an amazing little boy who melts my heart every day and fills my day with so much love and laughter how can I possibly think that things won't work out!

Battles

Blogs are like a series of short stories. I find that after a long day at work, and an evening tending to my little man and spending time with my hubby I enjoy crawling in bed with the lap top and pressing the “next blog” button and seeing what I am going to read before bed. Books take commitment, and blogs that I randomly come across do not. I can read a few blog entries and not become so engrossed that I want to read “just one more chapter” before I turn off the lights and close my eyes. It’s just enough down time for me to wind down enough to sleep. I confess I am a little addicted. Although I do prefer blogs of people I know (or used to know for the most part)…there is something to be said for reading a strangers view of the world.

There is a lot of amazing people out there blogging about circumstances that I cannot even imagine. There are mother’s blogging about losing a child, Husbands blogging about their journey’s with cancer. Teenager’s blogging about their battle with depression and suicidal thoughts. Physically disabled people who blog about not making enough money to pay their heating bill in the middle of winter. Mom’s blogging about their everyday life dealing with kids & husbands. People just like me who are battling their bodies every day trying to lose weight.

There are blogs that bring tears to my eyes, blogs that make me laugh out loud and blogs that make me ponder my own life Blogs that inspire me and blogs that change the way that I see the world.

The world is full of brave, wonderful people over coming horrible things. There are good and kind people out there trying to change the world. There are people who ARE changing the world. Everyone has to fight their own battles just like I fight my own battles everyday!

I heart Weight Watchers...

I caved tonight and weighed myself on the wii fit...down 3.5 lbs in 5 days just by following weight watchers...I heart Weight Watchers.

Confession...

I had a 2 point brownie today instead of the 2 point yogurt that I had packed in my lunch and I am not sorry!

I'd rather be skinny & dumb...

I am NOT saying that I am fat and dumb nor am I saying that I would rather be skinny & dumb rather than fat (or pleasantly plump) and intelligent. I am merely saying if I am dumb I'd rather be skinny & dumb than fat and dumb...

Let me back track a little. The other day while I was driving to work I was trying to think of the "whys" to my weight issue and a past contestant on the Biggest Loser came to mind. I cannot remember her name or even what season she was on (although I can picture her face perfectly) but I think that her reason and my reason may be one and the same.

She said she was fat because she was scared people wouldn't love her for her and that when people left her she could blame it on being fat not on her personality or that they just didn't love her. Now I don't have a fear of ever being left, I have a good support group, a great family and wonderful friends and a wonderful hubby who loves me even when I am nearly 100 lbs over weight. BUT I do feel inadequate in other areas...Job interviews for example. If I don't get the job it's because I am over weight NOT because I was "dumb" or not qualified. When Someone doesn't like me it's because I am fat not because I am obnoxious! When I don't live up to my own expectations it's because I am fat instead of not motivated.

So in essence what I mean by I'd rather be Skinny & Dumb is that if I don't get the job I'd rather be a under qualified skinny person who didn't get the job rather than an under qualified fat person who didn't get the job. If that new person I just met doesn't like me because I am obnoxious I'd rather be skinny & obnoxious than fat & obnoxious AND lastly I'd rather be a skinny person that disappoints myself than a fat person who disappoints myself. Make sense?

DISCLAIMER: I am not by any means questioning my intelligence nor saying that skinny people are dumb.

Today was another successful day. Each day that I stick with Weight Watchers I am more and more confident that I can do this! Each day that I go to bed and I know that I had a good day makes the next day that much easier. I am tempted to weigh myself after only 4 days in BUT I know that it can become an obsession so I have to force myself to only do it once a week. But I am positive that the weight is coming off even if it is too soon to tell.

{A significantly thinner & happier version of myself}

Another Day...

AND a successful one at that!

I actually didn't eat enough points and am trying to decide what healthy snack I can have now that dinner is done to get in enough points...AND *pat on the back* for me, I turned down chocolate chip cookies!

ADD in a random act of kindness from my mom (okay not so random in the fact that it was a random person but random in the fact that she did it for no reason) Duane & I get to go on an honest to goodness date on friday! And the kicker my mom gave us a gift certificate for movies, popcorn & pop! If Duane's EI goes through this week we may even splurge for a dinner out! Woo Hoo!

Things too look forward too...

Yesterday was a LONG day! Both friday night & Saturday night were not the best nights as far a Devon's sleeping goes and I woke up feeling tired, irratable & fuzzy! I am at my wits end with him. He goes to sleep so good, lies down in his crib without a peep...than the fun begins. Around midnight he wakes up crying and he will fall asleep and wake up crying almost in pain over and over and OVER again ALL night long. We let him sleep in our bed (I know people spare me your judgement, it's what usually works for us) and he kicks us all night long...I haven't slept in 2 nights and don't know what I am going to do if he does it again tonight when I have to be up at 5:00 am for work.

So after our sleepless night it was a challenge to stick to my "healthy" eating that I previously committed to...BUT I DID IT. I decided to count weight watchers points as I have all the stuff from joining previously and before I met Duane and actually stuck to it I lost a large amount of weight so I know it works. I also wanted to be able to have yummy food and on weight watchers you can do that as long as you count the points. I counted all my points for the day and even did a mini work out on the wii fit once Devon was in bed asleep. I only did 10 minutes but truthfully the work out is going to have to start slow and then slowly increase...I am VERY out of shape. But a positive note, I weighed myself on the wii fit and although it's still BAD it's about 12 less pounds of bad than I thought!

In keeping the motivation alive I have thought of a few things that I can look forward to if I lose all the weight.

1)My knee (the right one specifically), my feet & my back not aching so much.
2)Being able to go into Lululemon and buy something that fits and looks good
3)Being able to buy a nice CUTE bra and not pay $150 + for it at a specialty store (oh and matching panties)
4)Feeling comfortable in the seats on the airplane
5)My shirts not always wanting to creep up and my underwear not always wanting to creep down
6)Having another baby and being able to see the difference 80 lbs makes on the pregnancy & the size of my baby
7)Not being embarrassed to go shopping with my skinny friends b/c I can't by anything in the stores that they shop.
8)A renewed sex drive (just ask my hubby the difference between 100lbs ago and now)

So there are just a few reasons that I can think of off the top of my head that today I am going to eat healthy and stick with my plan!

December in Pictures...

Who knew a coffee date could...

1) Inspire me to do something about my weight
2)Renew my self esteem enough to actually do something about my weight
3)Help me realise what amazing, truthful friends I have

Today my sister in law picked me up for a coffee date and off we went to a local starbucks to meet up with my good friend (who has now become a good friend of my SIL as well).

At first our topics were light, discussing rather graphic issues surrounding raising boys (we all have at least 1). Than as we sipped our coffees the topic turned to weight loss. At first I was skeptical discussing the topic with my SIL present as she is a VERY small girl and doesn't need to lose any weight. But as the conversation progressed, we discussed becoming a suport system for each other to lose weight and get in shape. I being the largest of the group am a little shy about what I weigh BUT it is apparent by just looking at myself in the mirror that anyone can see that I need some help!

If Duane and I want to have another baby I AM NOT getting pregnant again before I lose at least 70/80 lbs. Now believe me I know that is a high number but that is my goal. I could probably (okay lets be honest DEFINATLY) stand to lose a little more than that (say a total of 100 lbs) but I want to lose at least that before trying to get pregnant again...So needless to say I have a long & hard journey ahead of me! Thanks to great friends who love me and want me around for a long time (and not being afraid to tell me that if I continue the way I am I won't be), I think this time around I CAN DO IT. I have done it before (although I didn't have such a daunting amount to lose) and I WILL do it again.

Although I am not brave enough to announce to the world on my public blog what I weigh or even post a before photo for that matter I am hoping to be able to talk about my triumphs and obsticles in a candid way (as I am not even sure I even have any readers). Hopefully "blogging" about my weight loss will help me reach my goals.

I am scared and I am optimistic. It's hard to stand on a scale in front of my 2 closest friends (especially one who weights a mere 135 lbs) and be held accountable for what a mess I have allowed myself to get into.

So here's to hoping a healthy diet, a little excercise and some good friends (and NO more coffee) will help me get on the right path so a better, healthier and SMALLER version of me!

Thanks girls for telling me like it is and being willing to help me through this weightloss journey. I am sure that there is going to be tears and luaghter and there is no one I would rather go through it with than you two!

Running the world for a day...

On the radio this morning they directed a question to the public and it went something like this. “If you were in charge of the entire world and could make 1 change and 1 change only what would it be?”

I was completely SHOCKED by the answers that they were getting. Things like everyone would keep right when walking, we keep right when driving, and doesn’t it make sense to do that when we walk too. Or that if a person was mean they would be ugly and if a person was nice they would be beautiful, so you could judge a book by its cover in essence. Making Secondary Education free etc. Although these things are all great ideas they are so localized…you are in charge of the whole world people!

I am shocked because all the answers were so superficial, making only that person’s life easier (or a small sector of people). What happened to world peace? Making sure that everyone had food and shelter? Healthcare in third world countries? Perhaps ridding the world of rapists & murderers? What about making the gap between the rich and the poor smaller? Or ridding the world of pollution?

I can think of a hundred things that would change the world.

What would you do if you were in charge of the world for one day and one day only?

Did I Shave my Leg's For this?

Did I shave my legs for this?

Not only a great Country song by Deanna Carter but also a very valid question.

My answer in short is no

I have been with my husband for 5 years next month; we have been married for over 2 years of that. We have a 17 month old son, I work full time and Duane although laid off at the present time usually works full time. We have a small condo to keep clean; a child to keep fed, dressed, and happy. Throw some family time in there, fun trips to the park, the local pool, the zoo etc and I can’t fit in shaving my legs. As soon as I walk in the door after a long day at work I rush to the bedroom throw on some sweatpants and a t-shirt, throw my hair in a ponytail and try to conquer a few items on that forever long “To Do” List while spending some time with my little man and making a healthy dinner.

If you read my previous post you notice that one of my New Year’s resolutions would indeed include trying harder to accomplish this small venture (This could be considered part of taking better care of myself). Although I have good intentions of following through with this resolution of taking better care of myself, this is the one part of that resolution that I may end up faltering on.

I rarely wear skirts (weddings & funerals seem to be the exception & I DO shave my legs for these events) so my legs are well hidden from the general public and their wondering eyes. My pasty white and hairy legs are nearly always hidden under long pants; to a stranger (or even most co-workers, friends & family) my legs could very well be smooth as a baby’s bottom.

Never shaving my legs has a benefit, my skin is soft (did you know shaving your legs dries out the skin?), and since I rarely shave my legs, I don’t get prickles; my hair is smooth and sleek. If my husband bothers noticing I don’t shave my legs he wouldn’t complain, why risk it…

Leg shaving isn’t the only thing I am unwilling to budge on, I also wear *eek* granny panties. Although mine are not the beige colored variety with the tummy panel in front that my mother wears. They are high wasted, brightly colored “mommy” panties. When I first met Duane I wore thongs, my bra’s matched my panties…If only he knew that one day I would proudly wear “mommy” panties and no longer care whether my bra matches said panties but whether my bra holds my girls up. Having a baby has done things to my body that necessitate this change in under garment thinking.

I no longer have the body to pull off low rise jeans/pants anymore either. At least I am not one of those people who cannot pull it off but are in denial and continue to wear this cut of pants meant solely for the younger generation who hasn’t had children of their own yet. Give me a medium rise jean and a long t-shirt and I am a happy girl. Under no circumstances is my belly to be seen by the general public…Have you heard of stretch marks.
Sadly high heels are another thing I will not be going back too. And this one is a little sad for me as I had only begun to appreciate the deliciousness of heels shortly before I became pregnant with Devon. And although I have always been a flip flop kind of girl…high heels have a way of making a girl feel sexy even when she is wearing “mommy” panties, has hairy legs and her bra is strictly doing its job not pretty at all. Unfortunately for me, it doesn’t help to look sexy when you are tripping over toys and chasing after a toddler. So I sadly have to revert to cute flats that only pretend to be sexy heels.

Although I see those mom’s out there who look like they are wearing matching panty and bra sets, probably have their legs shaved and can look graceful in heels even when chasing their kids at the playground and I wonder how they do it…I am realistic in the fact that I may never be one of those mom’s! The most I can hope for is a shower and some clean clothes and I am okay with that!

Did I shave my legs for This?

Flowers and wine is what

I thought I would find

When I came home from working tonight

Well now here I stand, over this frying pan

And you want a cold one again

I bought these new heels, did my nails

Had my hair done just right

I thought this new dress was a sure bet

For romance tonight

Well it's perfectly clear,

between the TV and beer

I won't get so much as a kiss

As I head for the door

I turn around to be sure

Did I shave my legs for this

Now when we first met

you promised we'd get

A house on a hill with a pool

Well this trailer stays wet

and we're swimmin' in debt

And now you want me to go back to school

I bought these new heels, did my nails

Had my hair done just right

I thought this new dress was a sure bet

For romance tonight

Well it's perfectly clear,

between the TV and beer

I won't get so much as a kiss

As I head for the door

I turn around to be sure

Did I shave my legs for this?

Darlin' did I shave my legs for this?

Deanna Carter

New Year's Resolutions

I had so many posts brewing in my head but at the end of each day my posts have disappeared to the back of my mind with all the other static I accumulate during the day.

But in the spirit of New Years this post will be about my New Year’s Resolutions *gasp* who would have guessed right?

Let me start off by stating that I usually don’t partake in the tradition of New Year’s Resolutions. I find that in our busy world most people already expect too much of themselves (and other’s) and that resolutions just add pressure too all the other expectations that are piled on each and every one of us.

But this year I decided that I would try and try this resolution thing. And although I was tempted to make a list of the “regular” resolutions like lose weight (and we all know I could stand to do a little of that) or blog on a regular basis I have chosen to make “resolutions” in a much broader way.

1) LIVE A SIMPLER LIFE. Less stuff, less static & less drama! This stems from an Oprah episode where she challenged people to live a simpler life. Although I still want cable TV and the internet, we can live without all the things that have cluttered up our lives. I also want to GET BACK TO BASICS. Less text messaging and face booking and more old fashioned phone calls and talking face to face.
2) GET ORGANIZED. This goes hand in hand with living a simpler life. We are in the process of getting rid of this things we don’t need and organizing the things that we are keeping. My hubby indulged my goal of organization with a label maker under the Christmas tree this year and with a trip to the neighborhood Zellers to purchase some storage containers we are well on our way!
3) GET HEALTHY, now this could be misconstrued as the fore mentioned Lose weight that I talked about but please don’t confuse the 2. To make a resolution to lose weight is almost synonymous with gain more weight. My ultimate goal is not to lose weight (although don’t get me wrong that would be an awesome perk) but to get healthy. I want to eat more fruit & veggies, drink more water and less pop. Walk more, drive less. Get more fresh air.
4) BE HAPPY WITH WHAT WE HAVE. Although I don’t want to stop striving for a better life for my family, I don’t want the negative impact that is associated with not being happy with where we are. So although I would like to eventually get into a bigger home for example, instead of concentrating on the fact that our apartment is so tiny and it isn’t an option at this point to move, we are going to make our apartment a nicer place to live by getting organized and purchasing a few new furniture items when the time is right.
5) LIVE MORE COST EFFECTIVE. I am pretty good at this one already but I know I could be better at it. I am constantly getting great deals and get quite a thrill from it to be honest, I price compare (and now so does my hubby), but my downfall in this area is coupons…I need to clip them more. I also buy second hand but could possibly get away with doing so more often!
6) TAKE BETTER CARE OF MYSELF. I have gotten into a rut of not wearing make-up, wearing “comfy” clothes the majority of the time. I don’t take any time for myself and I KNOW that this is a problem for many mommies out there. So I am going to remember to paint my toes, put on a little lip gloss and put on some nicer clothes on the weekend. And once our financial situation picks up I am going to get pedicures and get my nails done.
7) BE MORE ASSERTIVE (FIND BALANCE). I find that in some area’s in my life I am very good at sticking up for myself, or getting what I want (sometimes too good), my poor husband probably doesn’t know what has hit him half the time. But in other areas I am can’t do this at all. I can’t stand up for myself or what I believe is right. So I want to find the proper balance, so that I can be assertive just the right amount in all aspects of my life.
8) FIND A CREATIVE OUTLET. I need a creative outlet and my dream would be to purchase a dSLR to achieve this goal but financially this is not possible so until such a time when I can make that purchase I need to find another creative outlet. As of this moment I have no idea what this may be but my goal is to figure that out.

So there you have it my “resolutions”. I feel that these are things that I can in a small way accomplish. That way at least if I cannot give it 100% I in no way will feel as though I have failed to keep these so-called resolutions.

Best Wishes to everyone in 2010!