R.I.P Marcia Steele

I'm not sure how to mourn the loss of such an integral part of my childhood!  Marcia Louise Steele was my first friend in life, she became my friend when I was less than 6 weeks old!  It's a silly memory but I remember fighting about who was older when we were 5 or 6 and hadn't quite gotten March and April sorted out in our heads yet!  She insisted she was older and I insisted I was older!  I may have been correct literally BUT Marcia was an old soul even then!  She was my friend because our mom's were friends, but in reality I would have chose her!  She was NEVER boring, always full of creative ideas (mostly how to meet boys), and she was the most loyal friend!

It wasn't until we were 14 and went to Disneyland together that I realized that my childhood friend was an old soul but also a tortured soul!  We made memories that trip that no one would truly believe if my mom hadn't been along to back up our stories!  Earthquake aftershocks, flash floods, ant infestation in our hotel room, a cab driver who took off while Marcia was half in/half out, cockroaches in the pool and Edward Furlong on Space Mountain with us!  I am so thankful that when I was told to choose a friend to come with me on that holiday I chose her because now all I have is memories!

Marcia and I chose different paths in life, she was a wild teenager while I was a little quieter!  She struggled with many demons which aren't my story to share, while I struggled only with normal teenage angst! She lost her mom to Cancer while my mom survived, she lost her brother to mental illness while my family remained in tact!  I married a wonderful man had 2 wonderful boys and she lived downtown single and flirty! But we have always remained in touch, always remained friends!

My last visit with Marcia seems forever ago, and in 33 years that we have know each other we have never said "I Love You" but for some reason she embraced me and said "I Love You" before she left!  My last words to my life long friend were "I Love You too"!

I remember when my mom got the call and she whispered "Marcia's gone" and I was thinking "where'd she go?", then is sunk in, she was GONE!  I was never going to hear that laugh again, or get a random text from her just to make me smile!  She fought her mental illness, she made it through so many tragedies, but it won and now she is gone!

R.I.P my beautiful friend!  I miss you each and every day!  Devon looks at your photo sometimes and says "Your friend Marcia went to Heaven mommy, but don't be sad because she is in your heart"!  My 4 year old can be so profound!  You are in my heart!  You are part of who I am!  As you sister says I have embraced my "Marcianess"!

I don't like babies...

I don't like babies!  Don't get me wrong I LOVED my babies!  And I have loved each and every one of my nephews, my niece and all the miscellaneous babies that have been born in my life!  I have loved them despite the fact that they were babies!  I enjoy snuggling a new baby (who doesn't) BUT I truly enjoy giving them back to mommy or daddy when it's time to change them, or they start to wimper!

Babies cry, babies poop, babies need constant attention!  Let's face it the baby stage is full of sleepless nights, worrying about silly little things, judging yourself about EVERY single decision you make regarding the teeny tiny little human in your care!  The baby stage is full of things baby needs, cribs, rocking chairs, playpens, excersaucers, diapers, diaper cream, special shampoo; the list is extensive!

One of the most exciting moments of my life was when we gave birth to my youngest and I knew that after each stage we could move forward!  I could de-clutter the baby stuff from our lives, start planning vacations, start living without strollers, car seats and high chairs!

My oldest is turning 5 this month, my youngest turned 2 in March, so far I have been excited for each milestone!  I was PROUD at pre-school graduation, where the other moms teared up a little (and a little in awe at what a spectacle they made of it, the MAYOR of Langley gave a speech), I have cheered on both boys as they conquered walking (and shortly thereafter running), I have embraced their independence and their personalities taking JOY (pure joy) in all their accomplishments and growth!  Each year with my oldest I am CERTAIN that this age is my FAVORITE (Except TWO, I HATED Two)!  I am so excited to see what FIVE has in store for my son who has come so far in the last year!

I know not to wish away my children's childhood but often become excited for when my youngest is a little older and we can enjoy certain things that sometimes are harder with a young child!

UNTIL LAST NIGHT:  My 5 year old has a loose tooth!  Yes a loose tooth, it's time to talk about tooth fairies!  This made me VERY emotional!  He is going to lose his first tooth!  This is HUGE!  I am leaving my boys for the weekend with their Nana, WHAT IF HE LOSES HIS TOOTH WHILE WE'RE AWAY!  What if I don't get to play Tooth Fairy for the first time!  This loose tooth has turned me into a babbling baby!  AND I HATE BABIES!

He starts KINDERGARTEN in less than 2 months, he turns 5 in 18 days!  HE IS GROWING UP TOO FAST!  I MISS MY BABY!  I LOVE BABIES because when my boy was a baby FIVE seemed so far away!

Struggle

Today I turn 33, I struggle with birthdays EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR!  I struggle NOT because I am getting older (although that sort of sucks as well), but because 33 years ago I was born and 33 years ago my twin sister died!  33 years ago I got to come into this world for al lifetime while she got to come into this world for mere moments!

And while I do not know the story as my parents do not talk about it she may have lived hours, she may have lived minutes but she did not live!  She does not have a name, I do not have a photo, I do not have a memory just an empty spot in my heart and my life where my sister should have been!

I was 8 when my parents told me, but I KNEW my entire life that there was something missing, SOMEONE missing! I KNEW that there was a piece of me missing!  I never knew the special bond of a twin or even of a sister just that it was missing!  When things were bad I always wondered if she would have been the smart one, the pretty one, the funny one! 

Now as a parent I am sad for my children that they are missing out on that special bond of a biological Aunt (Duane’s sister passed 15 years ago) and I ache for my parents knowing what they must have gone through losing a child! 

I think of her often but especially on this day, a birthday we should have shared, but this year I wonder for the first time if my parents think of her on this day as well!  Do they have any mementos of her birth?   Times were different than, now they would be given time to hold their child and mourn them, back then what was it like?  How do you balance the joy of the birth of a baby girl while mourning the loss of the other?

So I struggle today!  I struggle to find the balance between celebrating my special day and knowing that had things been different I would be sharing my birthday cake with my sister!  I don’t talk about it; many people don’t even know my story.  I think it slips my husband’s mind each year as he wishes me happy birthday!  We talk about his loss, he shares memories and photos and our children know that Auntie Cheryl is in heaven with Papa!  But how do I share my loss, she has no name and I have no memories just loss!

LIFE

I am mourning this week; for the death of my childhood friendships!  It is sad and I have wept!  It is a story I do NOT wish to share as I don’t want ANY ONE to feel that I have made them feel as I have felt this week! 

But it is a death that has hit me hard! 20-30+ years of friendship gone!  It has been a long time coming, like a disease that has consumed our body of friendship and slowly worked its way throughout!  I would love to have someone or something to blame but all I can come up with is LIFE!

LIFE that 4 letter word that can mean suffering and pain OR it can mean love, triumph, laughter and joy!  LIFE is change!  Sometimes that change is the loss of a loved one and sometimes change is new life!

This change has brought me away from social media and back into real life!  I have taken a short (or perhaps long) hiatus from Facebook!  I want to spend more time loving up on my kids, walking, talking, creating, loving, and working on me!  I want to spend less time comparing myself to other people, what they look like, what they have, and spend more time loving my LIFE!  It has become a negative space for me and been the cause of anxiety and depression!  NO MORE!

This week without Facebook I have colored, played, blogged, laughed with my husband, held my husband’s hand, worked on my business, cuddled sick children, kissed a sleeping toddler on the forehead, cleaned up vomit and played video games with my son!

This weekend brings weeping at a funeral (not the rhetorical kind), dancing at a wedding, and laughing at a birthday party!  This is REAL LIFE people! 

And while I bid adieu to some friendships, I also welcome new friends!  Who “get” me!  New friends who bring over a surprise Latte because they know I am feeling sad!  Who send me text messages telling me I am beautiful!  I love these ladies, who came into my life when I needed them! 

Supermom

Some days I feel like Supermom, a fictional character who keeps a clean home, polite well kept children and has dinner on the table waiting for her husband after work...somedays, today IS NOT one of those days!

One child is running around in his diaper, the other in a Spiderman suit! I heard them giggling in MY room several minutes ago and have yet to get up and see what the damage is... Yesterday it was an entire container of dishwasher detergent on the kitchen floor (did you know that sh!t has bleach in it, my sons pants turned pink as he swam around in it, time to switch to an all natural/organic brand! But I digress)! The day before apple juice was my 22 month olds victim!

It's 9:43 am and I have yet to do anything other than change a diaper and feed the kids breakfast (when I said today I wasn't Supermom, I didn't mean I was neglectful either)...I have lots to tackle as any mom can tell you the "to do" list is never ending!
I'll deal with it after another cup of coffee...maybe!

Tomorrow the house will be clean, my children will be well behaved and polite and dinner will await my husband on the table when he gets home! But today it's me and my coffee cup against the world !