Struggle

Today I turn 33, I struggle with birthdays EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR!  I struggle NOT because I am getting older (although that sort of sucks as well), but because 33 years ago I was born and 33 years ago my twin sister died!  33 years ago I got to come into this world for al lifetime while she got to come into this world for mere moments!

And while I do not know the story as my parents do not talk about it she may have lived hours, she may have lived minutes but she did not live!  She does not have a name, I do not have a photo, I do not have a memory just an empty spot in my heart and my life where my sister should have been!

I was 8 when my parents told me, but I KNEW my entire life that there was something missing, SOMEONE missing! I KNEW that there was a piece of me missing!  I never knew the special bond of a twin or even of a sister just that it was missing!  When things were bad I always wondered if she would have been the smart one, the pretty one, the funny one! 

Now as a parent I am sad for my children that they are missing out on that special bond of a biological Aunt (Duane’s sister passed 15 years ago) and I ache for my parents knowing what they must have gone through losing a child! 

I think of her often but especially on this day, a birthday we should have shared, but this year I wonder for the first time if my parents think of her on this day as well!  Do they have any mementos of her birth?   Times were different than, now they would be given time to hold their child and mourn them, back then what was it like?  How do you balance the joy of the birth of a baby girl while mourning the loss of the other?

So I struggle today!  I struggle to find the balance between celebrating my special day and knowing that had things been different I would be sharing my birthday cake with my sister!  I don’t talk about it; many people don’t even know my story.  I think it slips my husband’s mind each year as he wishes me happy birthday!  We talk about his loss, he shares memories and photos and our children know that Auntie Cheryl is in heaven with Papa!  But how do I share my loss, she has no name and I have no memories just loss!