I am discouraged, I am sad and I am OVER TIRED! I am trying so hard to stay positive, and remember that in the end everything always works out! But a little piece of that negative Nelly that I was in my teen years is rearing it's ugly head. I KNOW we are FAR more fortunate that many people out there. I KNOW that my son is well cared for and that we may be struggling but he will always have everything that he needs (and more). I know that I should be thankful for the love of a good man and the suport of both our families in the different ways that they have been able to help us. I KNOW that I should feel blessed that during this time we cannot pay our mortgage that Duane's mom & dad are more than willing to help us so that we do not have to sell or foreclose. I KNOW that I should be thankful that even though Duane isn't working that I still have a job and that he is able to collect EI. I KNOW that I should be thankful that although we aren't eating like kings we will never go hungry.

And although I KNOW all that stuff and am VERY THANKFUL, I find that as the time passes and Duane can't find a decent paying job I am feeling the hit of it all. Although we are lucky enough to have the financial suport of Duane's mom & dad our credit card and other misc dept are climbing higher and higher and I can't seem to manage it. Although Devon has everything that he needs and more, we are in a financial situation where I can't think about giving him a sibling (and my biological clock is TICKING LOUDLY) or a bigger home with a yard. Although I have the love of a good man I feel disonected with my friends. I feel very alone in that aspect and miss having someone to talk to besides my hubby! AND although I LOVE him & Devon more than anything in the whole entire world...he's home ALL the time!!!

I am trying very hard to push these thoughts out of my head as I am a firm believer that negative thoughts reap negative outcomes and that positive thoughts allow positive things to happen. But I am only human and sometimes life is HARD and sometimes I would like to shut the door crawl into bed and cry! I would like to mourn for the loss of the care free days that I wasted worrying about boys and clothes and friends who turned out to not be my friends. I would like to have a date night with my husband and not feel guilty that the money could be used for diapers or formula and I would like to have someone babysit without me feeling guilty for asking.

I have been keeping a brave face for Duane (for the most part at least) and Devon, because I know that Duane is having a hard time as well. So this is the only time you will hear me complain...

I will think postive thoughts
I will think positive thoughts
I will think positive thoughts
I will think positive thoughts

Duane IS going to find a GOOD job
We WILL get to have another baby
We WILL have the means to buy a bigger place
LIFE IS GOOD!